There isn't anything you learn from being angry

I love Eros so much it makes me want to shoot myself in the face. I wish I was a good song writer or something so I could just become famous and write songs about him so I could show him how much I love him just that way. I’m tired of hoping maybe tomorrow will be a better day, I want it now. I’m tired of arguing about stupid things all the time and feeling so much stress between us. I’m too tired to think of anything to write, but I really want too write something because after going to Aquatica today and having a really shity day because of constant complaining and arguing, I think I’ve finally had it, and all I want now is us to just shut up and be happy together with our son. 

I want my son to experience the best childhood he possibly could. I want him to be inspired by the world and not to rely on video games or cell phones to make himself happy. He’s going to learn to be himself, and to follow his conscience not anyone else. I want him to want to know about the world, to be understanding of imperfections and to work at his own pace. He’s going to be creative, beautiful, and intelligent. 

Today I finally started getting more shit done, thanks to Eros for getting me to delete my Facebook. I started working out again, after fucking days of talking about it. Since I didn’t have the game Just Dance I looked up the songs on Youtube and played it with Eros’s sisters, and I started reading more of my book. 

Apollo got his tummy time, He’s starting to try and kick his legs and he can almost completely turn over by himself. I’m so proud of him :]

Eros slept all day again, tonight will be another battle for me to stay up with him all night. Hopefully this time we can find something fun for us to do together. In the mean time during the day I find time in between Apollo sleeping and not sleeping to lay and hold him until something comes up.

I’ve never learned more from anyone until I met Eros and his family, I feel so defected after spending so much time with them. They have a family built on love, passion, and trust. I’ve never felt any of that with my family, I feel like they just put masks on when we are all together afraid to cause any disagreements or have any judgments passed but really that’s what we all need in order to be a family. My Mom is most like that more than anyone else, she doesn’t make the right decisions already and she hides it and acts like nothing is wrong, because she tries to justify everything bad by editing it out, she lets her boyfriend control her and lets him get away with terrible things. I keep finding myself doing things, saying things exactly like my Mom and it scares me, I feel like I have no control over who I become. I don’t ever want to hide anything I’ve done, I just want to live 100% true to myself and my family and not feel like I live a second life behind a closed door. I just don’t know how to convince him that’s all I want now, since I’ve already lost his trust…

Apollo was being a monster today, I barely got a chance to do anything. I really only ever get a chance to do anything late at night when he’s asleep, but then I have to miss out on sleep. But really that is the least of my worries. Sleeping on the couch sucks. I wish I could find a way to make him trust me. I don’t remember ever having to worry about these sorts of things in past relationships, but I know why. I’ve learned more about relationships in this one than any other. I know what I had before cannot be compared to what I have with him, not even before Apollo. We both have the capability to have this extraordinary partnership, but I ruined it by sugar coding things, and trying to keep him happy by keeping things i’ve done from him, by the way none of which are cheating. If that was the case I would have ran away to live in a cave, or man hole.

Going to bed now.